That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
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Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Geez man, take it easy.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.