Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
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9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Morning.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses