*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
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I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Going to church you guys need anything
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.