I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
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ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Born to be mild.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’