the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
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Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
#NeverForget
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured