SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
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[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Watermelon Boss!
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
watergate? u mean a dam??
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied