Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
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Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.