I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
You Might Also Like
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Lol.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
#Caturday
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.