the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
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“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud