WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.