[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
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i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
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[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.