[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
You Might Also Like
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
This came to me in a dream.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
When you “pspspsp” too hard
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.