Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
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I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler