Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
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Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I occasionally drink every single night.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
water it, i dare you