Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
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my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)