ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right