It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
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I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me irl
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Inside you there are two wolves
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.