The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please