That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
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If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone: