[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
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stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good