Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
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[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?