[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
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I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
The biggest mystery of our time
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?