If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
You Might Also Like
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.