Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
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Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*