Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now