What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
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I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”