I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
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*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I like long walks away from everyone
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.