Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
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I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.