[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
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Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
3% human
97% stress
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep