My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
man i love columbo
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”