I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
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For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car