Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
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Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Ken is short for chicken
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?