Practicing safe sax
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.