A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
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3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.