The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
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The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus