The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
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[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Respect
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.