Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
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If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Yup
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”