[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
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WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off