One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
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people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Breaking news:
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Sooo many times…..
Yup.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
How software testing works
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped