DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
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do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
When your man makes a valid point
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.