[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
You Might Also Like
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.