There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
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FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
We found love in a hopeless place.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I am having an out of money experience.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it