Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
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My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
notice
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician