You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
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My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?