Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
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Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”