My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
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Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
There is no “we” in chocolate.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
finally
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.