My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
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Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Hard not to take this personally
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.