Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”