[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
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Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I think I’ll stand
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Hot hot hot 🥵
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio