I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
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Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My favorite female superhero
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Happy birthday to all the women
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.